When the peace God gives you isn't the peace you wanted

This has been a humbling lesson to learn. It's funny how you can learn a lesson over and over again, in different ways. Being humble instead of prideful  is a lesson I learn often.

It isn't an easy lesson and at times it may feel like the world is crashing down on you when you are in the midst of learning it, but in the end God will give you peace.

So this is my story of receiving that peace. But it wasn't the peace I was praying for when I made the decision to go back to Macedonia for round two. 

I saw it as a step of faith because I was not 100% fully certain of God's plan for me. I hoped with all my heart that it was to return to Macedonia and so I applied and began fundraising. Through all this, I prayed that God would show me His plans and that He would give me peace about my decision.

But that peace never came.

And as the money just didn't come in and time and deadlines were passing, I began to cave under the pressure. I wanted so badly to go back.

I had to go back.

But God had different plans and through lots of prayer and receiving counsel from family and friends, I made the hard decision to yield. To take a step back and humble myself.

Because as I look back on the whole thing, I was letting my emotions make decisions for me. I didn't wait for God to give the go ahead. I didn't wait for His peace before I set sail. 

It is hard to put your own will and desires aside and do things God's way. I mean, it's hard to do that in all facets of life. But in these circumstances, it felt devastating. And still, sometimes my heart aches when I see the pictures from March. Those beautiful refugees stole my a piece of my heart and I'm pretty sure I'll never get it back. But that's what mission trips do. You lose your heart piece by piece and that's a good thing. 

So what now?

I feel like God is leading me to a time of sabbatical, of rest and recharge. I don't know how long this period will be. But I do know that no matter how long it is, I will not be idle. I'm using this time to grow closer in my walk with the Lord and to seek His long term will for my life. As much as I have loved every short term trip I have been on, I believe I am ready and am getting closer to long term commitment. So we will see where God leads me and when He leads me there. It may be sooner than I think ;)

As always, your continued support and prayers are greatly needed and appreciated. Love you all!

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Beka